Feeding the lil' things: Zucchini Soup & Apple Sauce

Ok, so my Instagram blew up the moment I posted the following pic:

Zucchini Soup, Apple Sauce & Apple Water

Therefore, in attempts to help a few sistas out...here are the recipes featured above:

Zucchini Soup:

·      ½ tbsp. coconut oil

·      1 small or ½ medium red onion; diced

·      1 medium zucchini

·      2 small summer squash

·      ½ tbsp. chives; chopped

·      salt to taste

In a large pan heat coconut oil until melted at med-high temperature. Slice zucchini and summer squash in half and roughly chop into half-moon shaped pieces. Peel and dice the red onion. Chop the chives and set aside. Once coconut oil is heated, add the onions, zucchini, and summer squash. Salt to taste. Sautee vegetables until the zucchini and squash soften slightly and the onions become translucent; you will know the zucchini is ready when the color changes from white to opaque green. Cooking time varies depending on the thickness of the veggies, but it usually takes about 15 – 18 minutes.

Once cooked allow to cool slightly. Add cooled ingredients to blender or baby bullet. Add chives and blend until smooth. Add no more than ¼ cup of water to dilute mixture if it is too thick. 

Apple Sauce & Water:

8 Gala Apples

4 - 5 cups water

Core, peel and cut in half the 8 apples. Place in large pot and add water. Place on high heat and bring to a boil. Once boiling reduce heat to low and allow to simmer for approx. 20 mins.

Take off the heat and allow to cool. Once cooled, strain the apples and puree to desired consistency. Pour the water in which you boiled the apples through a mesh colander  into a large glass container and give this to your lil' one as "apple juice". Keep juice and sauce refrigerated. 

#tillythemenace

I’m going to jump right into this one:

I’m considering Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu lessons for the following reasons:

a)    So as to avoid child services being called on me while I change my baby’s diaper in public. Let’s just say my child once ended up in the sink of a restaurant butt ass naked while I tried to collect the trail of both clean and dirty diaper, wipes, diaper cream, etc. she left behind. 

b)   Cutting her nails should take 5 minutes, not an hour. If I could only master the art of leg-locks…

c)    Putting a Band-Aid on her fingers leaves me looking like I’ve just come out of a Spartacus episode.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again…doing any of the above activities is like watching a nature show: Man vs. Alligator except it’s more like Mommy vs. Baby. You watch it, and all you think is, “I sure as hell don’t ever want to try that.”

Welcome to my life…

Allow me to elaborate: I’ve been thinking of possible business endeavors now that I’m a stay-at-home mo. Amongst them is starting a Mommy and Me Jiu-Jitsu Academy, ‘cause if your child is anything like mine Mommy and Me Yoga doesn’t even fall within the realm of possibilities. My child’s energy level literally goes from 0 – 10. That is, she’s either sleeping or in constant motion. I take Matilda to weekly Gymboree classes and even there, a place where kids can roam free, I have to restrain her to prevent her from bulldozing over all the other playing kids. I have that kid. Granted, I love the fact that my child is energetic, but sometimes it can get to be a little much…

On our first day at Gymboree, Matilda managed to shed blood within five minutes of our arrival. Her excitement was such that she decided it was a great time to launch herself into the great uncharted world of walking. Needless to say, she face-planted right into the carpet and bit her lip. Luckily, at that very moment she saw another baby arrive and forgot all about her injury.

During some point in the class, all the smiling, starry-eyed mommies are asked to gather in a big circle to play with our little ones. The teacher then goes on to tell us to sit our precious ones on our laps for a round of stimulating activities. We all comply and soon we’re chanting “Trot Trot to London,” except that while all the other mommies managed to stay in their place with their babies happily bouncing on their laps, I was getting my daily cardio fix trying to keep up with my child, the miniature bulldozer. Now, it’s one thing for other mommies to ask me, “Is she always so energetic?” and drop comments like, “Wow, she sure does like to bounce.” But when the Gymboree teacher starts making remarks like, “Matilda, how old are you? You’re just so upright and full of life,” (translation: why won't you stay still kid?) you know shit is on a whole other level.

I know what many of you are thinking, so let me clarify: I DO NOT give my child sugar. For that simple reason, you can all probably understand my dreaded fear of the inevitable: Birthday Parties. I’m actually considering telling Matilda she is deathly allergic to sugar, in hopes of maintaining her energy at a “normal” level. Just the thought of Tilly on a sugar rush gives me serious anxiety! But hey, what can I expect when it turns out your husband did the following all before the age of 10:

a)    Was offered a job as a circus act after some Circus person saw him climbing a tree in his front yard. True story.

b)    Lit his house on fire with a plastic bow and arrow. I swear to you…

c)    Was stopped by the police on the highway while driving from one city to another on a mini motorbike…He was 10 years old.

Signs of things to come?!?!?!? I sure as hell hope not! 

Mini Hubs + Bow and Arrow = Burn Baby Burn

Fast forward 30+ years...Babies Beware #tillythemenace

Parents: Paving the way for Birth Control Advocacy

During a recent conversation it was brought to my attention that parents aren’t necessarily the pillars of child bearing promotional efforts. In fact, we tend to be quite the opposite. This observation was no doubt made by a non-parent friend who would like to preserve her chances of actually bearing children one day and apparently we, her parent friends, aren’t helping the cause with all our complaining. My friend is by all means right. Parents complain A LOT. But how else are you supposed to survive the time you spend with your children (which in my case is like 99% of my time), if you can’t blow a little steam when you’re with your adult friends? No parent, or at least none I know, is going to sit on their child’s play-mat and bitch to their kid about how little time they have to themselves as they play with a choo-choo train or sing along with the Mickey Mouse “Hot Dog Dance”.  Quite honestly, when you’re with the little terror you don’t think about anything but preventing the next face plant into the cold tile floor. And that’s the thing, it’s when you finally do by some miracle get away for an adult dinner out that it hits you…Holy shit, I can’t remember the last time I had dinner without Baby Beethoven in the background…let the parental flood gates open…bless the non-parental souls that are with you.

Granted, this dawning truth is not an excuse to use your poor childless friends as verbal punching bags. If anything, we parents should restrain ourselves and let them live on with their fantasies of one day bearing rosy-cheeked, powder-smelling bundles of joy. Buuuuuut…forgive me if I think that giving other childless adults a fair warning about what they’re getting themselves into isn’t such a bad thing. That’s why the oh so subtle “Must be nice…” is nonchalantly thrown in to the conversation when things like going to the gym past 6am, watching an R rated movie, or dare I even mention it…Happy Hour...is spoken of. But can you blame us? I haven’t gone to the bathroom with the door shut in 8 months, much less had time to “spend a night in with a book and a glass of wine” *cue photo of bubble bath, vino, and book* These facebook statuses make me want to drive over and drop my child right into the bathtub with the bearer of such good fortune. Tilly loves the water; she’d be great company!

Ok, back to my friend and her annoyance at our constant bitching. The truth is, we will never stop doing it. The reason behind this is that until you actually have children you won’t realize how unprepared you actually were to have them. No matter how ready you think you may be, it is impossible to actually fathom how drastically your life changes from one day to the next. With that said if you were to offer me my old life back at this very moment I wouldn’t take it. I wouldn’t even consider it. Babies are exhausting, emotionally and physically. But they truly are the most amazing experience in the world. If any able-minded adult were to sit down and analyze what having children means, they wouldn’t do it. That’s why you just have to take the plunge. Sorry currently baby-less, happy hour going friends, but one day you too will find yourselves at a dinner table venting about your mini-mes and all the things you once did. It just is what it is…and when that day comes, you’ll understand. Until then, drink until 4am and be merry! 

This is what "gettin' cray up in dis b*tch" looks like now...

No Sleep for the Weary

Now back to the original purpose of this blog…

My intention is to create a space where I can share my experiences as a first-time mom. I have found that there’s nothing quite like the advice that you receive from those women around you that are going through the same challenges. Your mother is no doubt the best source of moral support and love during this time, but let’s face it, it’s been quite a while since she’s had a newborn day-in and day-out…and to add insult to injury…YOUR newborn is HER grandchild. There is nothing on this Earth that will stop the woman from spoiling that baby rotten…With that in mind, I present you with my take on the first few weeks of mommyhood:

My child spent the first 10 days of her life in the NICU for reasons far too intricate for me to go into. Thankfully she is healthy and thriving. When we were finally able to bring her home, she came to us with a feeding and sleeping schedule already established.  I thought I’d hit the jackpot, as she would eat approximately 3 – 4 ounces of formula and then sleep for 4 hours or so…I will pause here to address the ever-taboo subject of breastfeeding: I will merely say this; breastfeed if your body and your baby allow you to, otherwise, give your child formula. It’s not the end of the world. And f*ck you TIME magazine, just ‘cause my child won’t be clinging to my boob ‘til the age of 3 doesn’t mean I’m not “mom enough”. Ok, now that that’s out the way…I’ll revert to the subject at hand by saying that I was wrong, boy, was I ever wrong. Matilda’s so-called schedule lasted about a day. There’s something about bringing your baby home that triggers an “I’m going to do whatever the hell I want with these people that are gawking at me all day” reaction in them. This, in turn, incites an “I’m going to hover over my child while she sleeps and panic at any sign of waking up” response in parents that renders the whole situation moot. Needless to say, our baby’s sleeping schedule is not what we’d like it to be. She fights sleep in the midday and early afternoon, and if I can’t get her to do one long, good nap during the day she gets so cranky and inconsolable by the evening that it throws her off for the rest of the night. Which means neither baby nor mommy get any sleep, and we spend the next 3 days trying to get back on track. So here are some of the many tactics we’ve resorted to in trying to get her to go to sleep… 

3:00 a.m

Things that work, but I wouldn’t recommend:

• Transforming your pack-n-play into a rocking crib by standing over your baby as she sleeps and swaying the entire apparatus back n’ forth. Sure, this will lull your baby to sleep in no time, but I’m pretty certain I’ve reduced the lifespan of the brand spanking new porta-crib by at least half. This particular method is so successful we have considered putting wheels on the very large and very heavy all-wood crib in the nursery; as we have already tried to rock it back n’ forth to no avail.

• Paci-warfare: the act of purchasing a large array of pacifiers and proceeding to sequentially stick one of each brand into your baby’s mouth while she is hollering at the top of her lungs until you come across the one brand she takes to and quiets down. Once you have rendered all other pacis useless, you proceed to send your husband out to the nearest pharmacy or baby store to deplete them of all the victor brand of pacis. You must assure that you will never be without said paci for the rest of your life.

• As soon as your baby starts to cry you take her into her your arms and rock her back to sleep, or gently tap her on her chest, or caress her until she is peacefully snoozing. If you have a rocking chair, this can become a dangerous habit. It is undeniably one of the best sensations in the world to have your baby sprawled across your chest while you rock away, until you’re doing this at 2am and you’re so groggy from lack of sleep you don’t even know what your name is.  I have implemented this method twice already while writing this blog post.

• I kid you not:

Yes, that is Mariachi music blasting. No, we’re not Mexican. The neighbors probably think we’ve lost our minds…or are habitual tequila drinkers.

And I know we’re not alone. I know of someone who would stick their newborn in their car, get on the freeway and drive around in circles until he fell asleep. I have another friend that would have to put the baby in his stroller and parade around the streets of South Beach. And yet another that put her twins on the washing machine in their bouncy chairs and stood by ‘til they were out cold. I by no means condone this kind of behavior, nor do I think that parents should become slaves to their baby’s sleep patterns, but I do empathize with all of you out there trying to get a good night’s rest. So, I have purchased a book that emphasizes the importance of creating good sleeping habits for your baby. The Complete Sleep Guide for Contented Babies and Toddlers by Gina Ford is meant to be replete with guidelines on how to make sure your baby sleeps soundly. I will be putting such suggestions into practice over the next week…stay tuned.