Things Every New Mom Needs to Come to Terms With:
- There is something about having an infant in the house that requires a mom to consume copious amounts of coffee…tarry-looking strong black coffee.
- Activities such as eating, showering and getting dressed will become Olympic sports, all done in record times and under extreme conditions.
- Forget about dieting…just forget it.
- The first time your infant pukes you are certain their death is imminent, followed closely thereafter by your own miserable demise.
- At some point during the day (every day) you will be covered in vomit, spit-up, drool, pee and poo, and/or a combination of all. You may in fact end up so drenched in bodily fluids you will have to do a full change of clothes, down to your underwear. Yes, this is true.
- You now call piss and shit “pee” and “poo”.
- Makeup…what the hell is makeup?
- You will learn to carry on a full conversation while your child cries in the background.
- In fact, crying is the new musac (elevator music).
- You will begin to empathize with parents that act unfazed when their child cries in public. While it is incredibly difficult to hear your child weep, you will develop an uncanny ability to differentiate their wails. You will also come to understand that unless they are hungry, are in need of diaper change, or are in pain; they are indeed fine. So you will let them cry and consider their howling an exercise in proper lung development. I am implementing this as I type…
- Say goodbye to a full night’s sleep. Even once your baby starts sleeping through the night you will find yourself waking up every couple of hours to make sure she is still breathing. This obsessive compulsive tendency manifests itself in several ways:
- Placing your finger beneath your baby’s nostrils to make sure air is indeed still flowing in and out of her body
- Slightly tapping her face to see if she squirms
- Staring incessantly at the baby monitor for the reassuring rise and fall of your baby’s chest.
- You will receive texts from your mommy friend about her baby’s poopy patterns, worse of all, you will answer said texts with genuine excitement and/or concern…yes, it’s come to that.
- If your child, like mine, so happens to make the most absurd sounds when going #2 you will decided to record said event, even though you are fully aware of the emotional scarring that might ensue…but it’s just so cute! You will then send this video to the above mentioned mommy friend.
- You will feel like poppin’ bottles the first time your baby rolls over onto his/her back while laying face down…then you’ll remember you’re a mommy and the only bottles you’ll be poppin’ are filled with milk…it is what it is.
- The most enlightening conversations you now engage in consist not of words, but of “goos” and “gaas”, and all sorts of other primal sounds you never imagined your adult-self making. However, the moment you first participate in this exchange with your little one you’ll realize there’s nothing more fulfilling in this world.
What's a lil' poop when I get to spend my days with this face!