Mommy FYI

Things Every New Mom Needs to Come to Terms With:

• There is something about having an infant in the house that requires a mom to consume copious amounts of coffee…tarry-looking strong black coffee.
• Activities such as eating, showering and getting dressed will become Olympic sports, all done in record times and under extreme conditions.
•  Forget about dieting…just forget it.
• The first time your infant pukes you are certain their death is imminent, followed closely thereafter by your own miserable demise.
• At some point during the day (every day) you will be covered in vomit, spit-up, drool, pee and poo, and/or a combination of all. You may in fact end up so drenched in bodily fluids you will have to do a full change of clothes, down to your underwear. Yes, this is true.
•  You now call piss and shit “pee” and “poo”.
•  Makeup…what the hell is makeup?
• You will learn to carry on a full conversation while your child cries in the background.
•  In fact, crying is the new musac (elevator music).
• You will begin to empathize with parents that act unfazed when their child cries in public. While it is incredibly difficult to hear your child weep, you will develop an uncanny ability to differentiate their wails. You will also come to understand that unless they are hungry, are in need of diaper change, or are in pain; they are indeed fine. So you will let them cry and consider their howling an exercise in proper lung development. I am implementing this as I type…
• Say goodbye to a full night’s sleep. Even once your baby starts sleeping through the night you will find yourself waking up every couple of hours to make sure she is still breathing. This obsessive compulsive tendency manifests itself in several ways:
• Placing your finger beneath your baby’s nostrils to make sure air is indeed still flowing in and out of her body
•  Slightly tapping her face to see if she squirms
• Staring incessantly at the baby monitor for the reassuring rise and fall of your baby’s chest.
• You will receive texts from your mommy friend about her baby’s poopy patterns, worse of all, you will answer said texts with genuine excitement and/or concern…yes, it’s come to that.
• If your child, like mine, so happens to make the most absurd sounds when going #2 you will decided to record said event, even though you are fully aware of the emotional scarring that might ensue…but it’s just so cute! You will then send this video to the above mentioned mommy friend.
• You will feel like poppin’ bottles the first time your baby rolls over onto his/her back while laying face down…then you’ll remember you’re a mommy and the only bottles you’ll be poppin’ are filled with milk…it is what it is.
•  The most enlightening conversations you now engage in consist not of words, but of “goos” and “gaas”, and all sorts of other primal sounds you never imagined your adult-self making. However, the moment you first participate in this exchange with your little one you’ll realize there’s nothing more fulfilling in this world.  

What's a lil' poop when I get to spend my days with this face! 

One of those days...

Prior to becoming a mommy, I never quite understood why (a) mommies always look so tired and (b) they utter the phrase “It’s been one of those mornings,” with such exasperation and dread. Well, here’s why…

A few days ago I woke up on a glorious morning bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after my FIRST full night’s sleep. I should mention that Matilda is now sleeping in her crib and actually sleeps through the night. What’s more is that I am now able to, miraculously, sleep through the night as well. As opposed to the first few nights I put her in her crib when I would wake up every 15 minutes to stare at the baby monitor to make sure she was still alive. Unconvinced that the video monitor was proof enough, I would get out of bed to go make sure she was still breathing, in person. I’m happy to report those nights are over. But back to my lovely morning…

Picture an altered version of this peaceful scene...

I woke up to the sound of Tilly fussing and squirming, my cue to go make her bottle and my first pot of coffee.  As I made my way to her crib I had a strange feeling of calmness. I couldn’t believe how well the night and morning were panning out. If this is how my life with a baby was going to be, then I was one happy mommy. Then it hit me, a faint smell coming from what appeared to be a pool of chocolate underneath my baby, only it obviously wasn’t chocolate. Matilda lay peacefully snoozing while I frantically picked her up and began to assess the situation; how the hell does on go about dealing with such a disaster? Should I change her or change the bed? Do I leave the mess and feed her before she starts hollering? Or wait…should I just cut her clothes off so as to minimize both her and my exposure to the fecal mess? Better yet, I need to bathe her, ‘cause there certainly was poop in places poop should not be. As I pondered this mess I could hear my dog pacing back and forth, this was a little unusual seeing as she more often than not doesn’t bother to get up for the first morning feeding. She’s a bulldog after all and very much values her beauty sleep. Then, suddenly, she stopped pacing and that’s when I heard her PUKE all over the bathroom. Seriously? Pardon my French, but “Fuck my life!!!!”

I now stood holding my baby out like a dirty rag, staring at a shit-covered crib and fully aware of the puke-filled bathroom that awaited me. I ran to the bathroom to (a) stop my dog from eating her own vomit (dogs do this, gross but true) and (b) rinse my child off under the faucet (you learn to do such things after a while), then I proceeded to pry the remainder of the sodden-clothes off of my baby, change her, make a bottle, feed the dog and the baby, rock the baby and change the crib sheets. I’m still not quite sure in what order or how I did all this…all I remember is that at some point my husband stumbled out of bed and heroically asked if I needed his help. Thank you, f-ing Super Dad to the rescue! Is it me, or do husbands perfectly time waking up to exactly a minute AFTER you’re done doing all of the above?  Granted my husband is a huge help, but let’s just say he’s not a morning person…so any assistance he may offer has to wait ‘til after he’s had his coffee…and well, shitty babies and puking dogs aren’t the most patient of creatures.

The most amazing thing about this story is that when I shared it with my friend on our mommy-date she didn’t flinch nor seem surprised by any of it. In fact, she kind of one-upped me…

On a beautiful Saturday morning, my lovely, seasoned mommy-of-two friend decided to take a stroll in the park. She headed off with her babies and a lightweight purse, no diaper bag in sight. A couple hours later she found herself covered in baby doo-doo. It literally dripped off her shirt and pants all the way down to her toes. Turns out her little man was a wee-bit constipated, and let’s face it, nothing like a long walk to get those bowels going. All that nature and fresh air were enough to kick his intestinal tract into gear. Lucky for her, parks tend to be filled with other better equip mommies with lots of wipes and diapers. Let me just say that whoever invented the diaper needs to take a cue from the inventor of the tampon. We mommies must demand that they come out with an array of diapers: the ultra-thin, regular, heavy and super-heavy should all exist in diaper-land. Also, another thing I may point out is that a mommy should NEVER leave the house without a fully loaded diaper bag, packed with everything including a change of clothes for Mama Bear. Tisk tisk! By doing so one would avoid having to change in the backseat of your maid’s car. I can’t imagine that trying to put on a faja/spanx in such a confined space would be very easy…and yes, I just ousted all us new-mommies…we wear ‘em, yes we do.

Lessons to be learned: get comfortable with poop, you will be seeing lots of it. I for one am sure this won’t be the last time I address the subject matter.